The End of Separation

It rained question marks from the sky today
One by one they strayed,from time to time hiding behind the stones as we
walked all the way together (each one alone) to your grave
I watched the branches,pull themselves like scars against the sky
and I wondered if it was the same way with you, and the overdimensional "why" in my head.Would it become ,mixed with regrets, words unsaid and a few other ingredients , just like that? A cut in my soul?

Until I realized that there was a reason for this hole
in my head.
Because too connected am I,to this body I carry
to understand that even if I see yours , in its wooden bed
sink into the ground.It's just the instrument and not
the sound that has left us.
Maybe your skin and flesh will slip off but nobody can believe that all the soul, all the love you carry within
will begin to become a part of the moist earth
Instead I call this the very birth , of an existance that doesnt create a distance between you and what you love.
I call this the end of seperation of you and your longings.
No more body to hold you back now.

And even if somehow,my hands are now empty,my eyes dry without your image, ears so very silent from the missing sound of your voice..
It is my choice not to, break into bits.Because I know in this very moment all the fear and anger in your life, falls down and hits
the ground. ( but we will rise from these grounds,and not even their evaporating steam can reach us)
There will be no need for symbolism filled dreams anymore,like the one that came to us before you died,to make us understand,messages we simply couldnt comprehend in that very moment.
Because now brother, you are pure.Gestures without hands.Voice without lips.Eyes without eyelids.
Your actions take place outside of your body now.And please help me to somehow, realize when they appear.
I will make it different ,for you.I won't steer myself into my own destruction.I won't believe in myself as a gigantic disfunction.
This is not the end , brother.You can still renew yourself.
But now it will take place in someone else ( in all of us)
Because your body,couldn't keep it all inside anymore.Begged for some kind of door and final escape.
And as you chased your confusion down the wrong lane, with who knows how many miles per hour on the highway
I stay here,motionless.And I must confess I've won a new sense for living.I am beginning to rest
my troubled mind.
And echo the heartbeat ,that now has left your chest.I find a reason to open my eyes.Because I will teach you how to see , brother.
How to feel,without wondering if it could be more intense, in the moment that it comes.How to let your soul dance
when you get the chance to wake up early enough to see the sun rise.
And I promise to you,as you left your body through its many wounds
you can see this world through me, share how my heart pounds when I fall in love or
see this city from above as the first stars appear on the frozen sky
I will try to teach you,all the things you couldnt reach because you were trapped in confusion, wrapped in an illusion.
Because you played your life on a stage,infront of an audience that just didnt seem to take care.
And forgot that we ,who love you always were there.Pulling the curtains aside.
We just wanted to hide a bit, to let you discover life by yourself.
Now it's easily said "maybe we shouldnt have.Maybe it made him become someone else"
But how am I suppose to act?To become restless and try to add
senseless facts together just to understand what happened in the very moment,that you my sweet soft feather.Were smashed into pieces.
No,I dont.Because it releases.Grief that I don't want to carry.
Pain that would break me.Make me become dust crawling on the floor.
I cannot follow these twisted nightmares and nanosecond of images in my head anymore,I would only waste time.
Time in which I can open myself for you and create a space where you can finally find a place to feel calmness floating through your
being.
And all the beauty I am seeing will now be sent to you , too.
And no body.No circumstance.No situation will keep them back.
I walked with your human shell today.Walked the long path to your grave.
And the realization came that , even if it carries your name now..how could I believe all the soul,all the love.Should be trapped in a wooden box below?
Maybe it has just the right dimensions,measurements for your arms,your legs,your hands.
But for your soul, it takes more than that.
It takes a million words still to be said.A million times of loving and being loved in return.A thousand moments of feeling the warm sun burn onto skin,to give your soul a home.To let it continue its way.
Simply because it never had enough time for it,inside your body.
Like a flower you will grow inside of me,and your soft smooth petals will help me see the meaning as it comes.
Instead of pushing it back and wondering, why I
long for certain things , so much.
So how could I say I painfully miss you brother?Because all those tears are shed only for skin and bones,while your essence slowly rains down,
covers the ground,from this violent erruption it had to go through..
From this brutal firework of incidents.From the presence of so much fear and confusion that led you the wrong way.Softly,fragment for fragment,lays itself onto earth.
The difference this time is that I will be able to read the signs, as they come.
I will pay attention to them,not only see them disappear as a deep breath leaves my lung.
I could say you moved on a train that was too fast,passed by all the stations it would have taken for making you a human who loves his life.
But all these mind-eating doubts,are not made for souls like mine , who want to survive.They are made for
those who find pleasure in devastation.

Hundred grains of sand, trickled down my hand and in slow motion it seems,fell onto your coffin.Before we had to leave this hole in the ground,because
we are loving you so much we might have easily crawled in right next to your lifeless body,burry ourselves with you.Shovelling earth onto our heads.
I said "I love you" as my hands had emptied.
And I sent in
all the sun rays I could grab so you could have , warmth on your skin until spring would come and life would begin to renew itself around you.
But there is no need to envy it,brother.To envy the lovers , still full of life,the mothers who give birth to a child.Just because they still breathe.
You will never cease to be,and never to me means aslong as this moon still appears on the night sky.Aslong as I try to realize beauty is there even when it seems so very distant.So don't you believe your family and friends, say goodbye to you eternally.They just cry because they know they will never see you again except on faded pictures that simply cannot bring you back,no matter how often soft fingers on trembling hands
glide along the lines of your face.
They just cry because of the confusion ,to see that while they are still in their body you are not within it anymore.
I cry, to wet the ground.So flowers will bloom from the earth your body lays in..and as they grow they will push your soul a bit closer to the surface, again.
Sweet brother,I told you.You can live inside of me now.
Please be kind to my fragile heart,learn its language as I too will try to
learn to see you without eyes.

I love you Wen.
It will take some time to realize,that it's only your body that has left and you still remain,and will show yourself to us
in our lives.But I know it will come.

I love you.

Nova