I swayed back and forth on my
(mood)swing.
And each time that it brings me a bit closer to the sky
I cry out
from this day..from this day I will not take a breath unless its a deep one
I will only take deep breaths
And I will let my hair down and I will find out where my frowns come from and shut the door
Will flood the floor with gasoline.And light 10 matches just like that..
And if one falls down.I'll call it coincidence.
I wear paralization like some sort of designer pants that has
an integrated print where to put your hands
on incase you want a moment alone with me
I have the tendency to breathe backwards.To feel weak and tired when my heart reaches
maximum speed.To keep the package and throw the filling away.
I have this bad habit to tweak each word before I speak to you (which I often do,even if I dont say
anything)
So they come broken and bruised,waiting to be fixed again.You are so sweet when you care.
And repair each one.
I wouldnt say that I am  transient.Am I not doing a good job,when I prevent
everything that could make me grow older?
I erase my wrinkles.Have my shoulders exposed.
Read somewhere that it makes you look like an innocent girl.
You know.The kind of girl that drinks from the gardenhose in spring,and you watch her secretely through your stained carwindow as you drive by.
Want a surprise?I am alive for absolutely no reason.No footsteps for me to walk in,no family tree to continue.I die at the end of each season and come in a new colour code.
I am the type of person who works 50 years on one sculpture.A self portrait.
And then he dies in an accident without ever having placed hands on the texture of his own being.
Sometimes my lovers were evil.And sent me my own letters back.
And as I read the lines I fall in love with this twisted version of myself
And comit the kind of suicide that is printed in an article your parents hide from you for a lifetime
But others read it in the newspaper right next to the coupons that gets you
a certain meal 50% reduced
And you are confused whether you are acting morally wrong.
I dont know if..when I fall in love I love that person or just
the excursion into being loved in return that he offers me.Whether I love him or just all the various types of affection in between.
For aslong as this love still breathes I might never even know what goes beyond it.
I will be perfectly content,won't even want it like
babies who refuse food.
It just becomes a twisted game in which you expand the ways to express affection into various directions and dimensions until you lose all tension and find another one who mentions your name with..that kind of twisted smile.
Sometimes I don't even feel myself anymore.
Like your warm shoes keep you off from noticing the uneven spots on the floor.
but you can take those shoes off,incase you are tired of monotony.
but me?What am I supposed to do?
I confuse myself on a daily basis.
Sometimes when I speak I put emphasis on the wrong parts of words.
Just to have the feeling that I swerve off from what makes sense.Just to understand that there is nothing to understand.Mabye to describe.Maybe to put into some category.But not understand.Not aslong I am alive.
I think in this system we live we dont have any chance to ever find out what's essential about life.
Some institute will pull a smile into our face once we die as if we had finally reached enlightment.
When all the years were just made of existing,planning how to spend the free time on our weekends.
And we send our parents christmas greetings.When we dont even know who those people are,when all we desired was finally leaving their suffocating embrace.
Sometimes I chase
myself on open street.
But even if I scream : hold her back!stop her!
nobody ever helps.Their own self ran away years ago without that they noticed.
But I am just a language baby.Use me.Abuse me until you figure out your own
"style" , maybe youll write poems with me.
Or brabble words like a newborn child.
Maybe you wont ever talk again or
Maybe youll create some songs?
One of those :
"I love you.Do you love me too"
Passion and lust like grains of dust on your tv screen.
But words are not modern anymore.
The wholy bible has been replaced with the holy rifle and the word of god
is one shot
into an innocent mans head.
But friends.My loving friends.We can all change it.Lets hold our hands.Light a candle.
And beat our wife when we are back home this night.
And keep a safe distance to our life.Best build a fence
around yourself.
But we are activists for peace!Aslong as it doesnt have to take place
inside of me.
Aslong as there's an enemy to fight that distracts us from the battlefield inside our minds.Its good.Very comfortable.
Brave new world.
I have one problem.And it's that I very often become you
before you do.
And that starts some kind of identity crisis you know?
I cannot slow down because I broke the tires of this car.
Now come on.No guilty conscience please.I know I should have forever stayed in my ..wagon made of stars that I drove in when I was 3.I lost my driving license back then.Cause I flew too high.
But things change.And so do we.Because we are made of things.
We are made of the gifts you bring
when you visit your neighbour.That's what its all about.
If you want to prove me your innocence.It takes more than putting your hands up.
You would let me
Pull your ribs apart and see if your heart truly "beats oooonly for me".
But you dont do that.You are afraid of ugly scars.Left by my fingernails.

We
are
snails moving through this highspeed society.
And leave back the traces on which others slip and fall to the ground.
The best influence we ever had.
Sometimes I stop the day in the middle.I have this.Overdimensional remote control.
That I press so I dont miss the rest of this movie they titled "my life"..
while I go inside of the bathroom and spit my soul out onto the carpet.
And then I let it play violin for me ( I taught it to do that at the age of 3 )
And it plays the violin all the way into my brain
Says "sit down and listen
and let the notes eat your memories away
until not a single one remains"
It's so beautiful.To forget.The best massage that your frightened brain could have.
Because we are all afraid.
We are afraid of choosing the wrong way.
When there is no wrong way
just a wrong reaction to what awaits
you.
Ah,enough for this evening.I am leaving without ever
having been
here
And now I want you to go out and take your life like you used to do when the two of you were an innocent love couple at highschool.
Kiss it
directly onto its lips.
Infront of your mother.





Nova